


Holding Hands

by 9haharharley1



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Awkward Kiss, Cute, F/F, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I love Mikasa, Implied Relationships, Jean is cute and awkward, Light Angst, M/M, Mikasa Ackerman-centric, Mikasa is kind of blind to love, Multi, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Relationship(s), and deprived of affection, but probably not, may continue, really awkward, she's a cutey, still learning tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-08
Updated: 2014-11-08
Packaged: 2018-02-24 14:38:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2584967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/9haharharley1/pseuds/9haharharley1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mikasa has a brief moment of weakness thinking about all of the couples surrounding her in the Scouting Legion. Jean is there to comfort her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding Hands

Mikasa spotted her brother further down the hall and quickly jogged to catch up.

“Eren!” she shouted. Said teenager stopped in his tracks and turned to her, a small smile on his face.

“Mikasa, hey,” he greeted. Mikasa gave him a tiny smile. 

“I was wondering if you would join me for dinner,” she told him. “We haven’t spent much time together lately and I miss talking to you.” They both knew Eren did most of the talking, but that wasn’t the point.

A small frown tugged at Eren’s lips and he glanced away guiltily. “I’m sorry, Mikasa… Levi wants me to eat with him tonight.” Mikasa couldn’t hide the disappointment that flashed across her features just as Eren looked up. His eyes widened and he quickly grabbed her hand. “Tomorrow night! I’ll eat dinner with you tomorrow!” He smiled brightly at her and Mikasa felt her own lips turning up. “Actually, you know what? Levi’s giving us a free day tomorrow. Fuck dinner, I’ll spend the whole damn day with you!”

Mikasa’s smile grew a little wider. “I’d like that, Eren.” Eren embraced her and lightly kissed her cheek. The raven-haired girl giggled and shoved him, turning him to face the direction he’d originally been going in. “Run along, now. You don’t want to make the little prick angry.” Her brother laughed and waved her off, jogging down the hall to Corporal Levi’s office. As soon as he turned the corner, her smile dropped and she tugged her precious red scarf up to cover her mouth. 

She was happy for her brother, truly. There was nothing Mikasa wanted more in the world than for Eren to find someone who brought light to his dark world. If Levi was the one person who could make her hot-headed and violent brother happy, then Mikasa would stand by and support them no matter what. 

That didn’t mean she had to like the little prick. She’d kick his ass if he broke Eren’s heart. 

Turning on her heel, Mikasa strolled back the way she came, intent on getting at least two pieces of bread before Sasha nabbed them all. As she walked, she heard low voices in a room not far from her. Curiosity getting the best of her, the raven peeked through the doorway, the open door allowing a view of the two occupants. A dark blush painted her cheeks as she saw Reiner pin Bertholdt to a wall, a knee between the taller teen’s legs and hands on his hips. Bertholdt’s own hands were roving over Reiner’s broad chest, his face flushed as the blond kissed him passionately. An embarrassed squeak escaped the spying girl and she darted from the doorway, cheeks hot as she practically ran to the mess hall. She almost bowled over Ymir, who quickly flung an arm out to catch her. 

“Whoa, Ackerman. Where’s the fire?” the taller girl questioned. She steadied Mikasa as Christa peeked out from behind Ymir. 

“Are you all right, Mikasa?” she asked, ever the caring one. Concern lit up her soft blue eyes and Mikasa had to restrain the urge to hug her. “You look a bit feverish.”

“It’s nothing,” Mikasa mumbled. She ducked her head so the two girls wouldn’t see her face. “Just… startled, is all.”

Ymir snorted. “It must have been something if it startled you.” She smirked. 

“Ymir!” Christa lightly scolded, slapping the brunette’s arm. Ymir laughed.

“I’m just teasing,” she told the short blonde. She turned back to Mikasa, her usual cold expression softening somewhat. “Anyway, we’re going for a walk. There’s still some bread left if you want to grab some before Sasha goes back for thirds.”

“Bye, Mikasa!” Christa chirped, waving as Ymir dragged her off. The raven waved back, turning to grab a tray, but not before catching Ymir lacing her fingers with Christa’s. Mikasa was happy for the two, just as she was happy for Reiner and Bertholdt, but emptiness began to build in her. Seeing all the couples around her made her increasingly aware of her own single status and she felt lonely. Was it wrong to want someone of her own? Someone to hold her and wipe away her tears when the nightmares became too much? To kiss her lips and whisper sweet nothings when no one was around? Was it so wrong to yearn for such a thing?

She shook her head and took her tray to her usual table where Connie and Jean were arm wrestling, and Sasha was stuffing her face while rooting for Connie. Sitting down next to Jean, Mikasa quietly ate her food, watching the competition with apathetic eyes and a distracted mind. Beside her, Jean seemed to lose his concentration, allowing Connie to take the win.

“Ha! Beat you again!” the bald kid cheered. Sasha whooped next to him, causing heads to turn to their table. 

Jean held his hand back out in determination. “Come on, best three out of five!”

Connie shook his head with a smirk. “Nah, man, you lost fair and square. Accept it.” Jean slumped with his arms on the table, resting his head on them.

“Fine, you jerk,” he mumbled. Mikasa idly listened to their chatter until Sasha spoke. 

“Are you ok, Mikasa?” the brunette asked. There was worry in her tone that matched her eyes when Mikasa looked at her. “Is something wrong? You look upset.”

Once again, the other female impressed Mikasa with her perception. Apparently her blank mask wasn’t as good as she thought it was. “Fine, Sasha,” she reassured. “I’ve just been thinking.”

Sasha gave her a friendly, albeit worried smile. “Well, if you ever want to share, I’m here to listen. Just come find me.”

Next to her, Connie stood, drawing attention to him. “But until then, Sasha and I are going to the roof. We’ll see you later.”

“Before you go, have you seen Armin?” Mikasa asked. 

“The Commander came by and dragged him off for something,” Sasha answered. “Why?”

The loneliness inside her became all the more obvious and Mikasa felt like she was going to cry. “Oh… No reason…” she said, her voice shaking a little. Connie shrugged and dragged Sasha off, stopping only to let her grab a few extra pieces of bread. Mikasa watched them go with a heavy heart.

She was happy for all of her friends. Really, she was. They all deserved to have someone in the mad world they lived in. They deserved to spend their time with someone special after every mission, reassuring each other that they were still alive, and would awake in the morning next to their loved one. They had someone to come home to. Who did she have?

Sure, she had Armin and Eren. They were as equally important to her as she was to them. But her brother and best friend weren’t the same as a lover. They couldn’t offer the same comfort. She was ecstatic they each found someone to hold in their hearts. They really did deserve it. But did she? Did she deserve a little bit of happiness?

A gentle caress of her cheek jolted Mikasa out of her thoughts and she jumped. Startled silver eyes swiveled to the soldier still sitting next to her. Jean sat there with his hand raised, the side of his finger glistening slightly. Mikasa had forgotten he was there. He was being much quieter than usual. 

He gave her a small but concerned smile. “You were crying,” he stated softly. 

Mikasa brought a hand to her cheek, surprised to feel the wetness there. Using her scarf to wipe away the tears, she turned away from her friend. “Sorry…” she mumbled. 

“Don’t be sorry,” Jean told her. “Everyone needs to cry sometimes. It’s what makes us human. Without emotions, we’d be no better than the titans.”

Mikasa blinked, turning back to him. He was so different from the boy she’d met back in training, who used to pick fights with Eren because of some stupid rivalry or to show off. Sure, he and Eren still fought, but that was just how their friendship worked now. Jean was so much more serious now. He had this look hidden in his eyes, a sort of haunted gleam that Mikasa recognized all too well. She had seen it in Eren the day she met him when he saved her from those sex-traffickers, the look only growing deeper on the day the Wall fell. She’d seen it in Levi when she spotted the short Corporal across the room at Eren’s trial. But mostly, she saw it in her own eyes every time she looked in a mirror since the day her parents were murdered right in front of her. Maybe that was the reason she couldn’t stand the little prick. She saw herself in Levi and she hated it. But Jean, though…

Jean was currently staring at her with worry written over every inch of his face. “You sure you’re ok? You look like you really need to cry.”

The raven ducked her head to hide her eyes, bringing her scarf up over her mouth and nose. “I’m fine…” she whispered. Why did those memories have to plague her now?

Jean scoffed. “You’re not fine.” He stood and gently tugged Mikasa’s arm. “Come on.” Mikasa stood up slowly, keeping her head down and not bothered that her food sat mostly untouched. 

Carefully, Jean led her out of the mess and down the hall, strategically avoiding the most crowded hallways. His hand was warm on Mikasa’s wrist. She knew he was just being polite, but she just felt so cold and empty. Slowly, she twisted her arm around until Jean loosened his grip before sliding her hand into his own. She sensed the teen go rigid, but he kept walking. Mikasa followed, content to be led.

The sandy-haired youth led her out of the castle into the warm summer evening. Light was faint as the sun was setting, painting the sky orange and red, but still Mikasa did not look up. She focused on Jean’s footsteps and her own, silent tears continuously making their way down her cheeks. Their feet crushed soft green grass until Jean finally came to a stop. He held Mikasa’s hand in his own and the raven was thankful he did not let go. She sat on the soft grass, her back to a tree and not caring if she dirtied her uniform, and tugged Jean down next to her. Jean followed her wordless directions, still holding her hand. He was warm and comforting against her, and the raven tentatively laid her head on his shoulder. Jean tensed. 

“Sorry…” Mikasa murmured, voice hoarse. Jean slowly relaxed next to her and released a heavy breath. 

“Don’t be…” he muttered back. They sat in silence after that, Jean breathing slow and quietly next to her, his presence comforting. Slowly, Mikasa brought her thoughts back under control, her tears subsiding, continuously wiping her wet cheeks with her scarf until they stopped completely. When they did, she carefully lifted her head from Jean’s shoulder; all too aware of the headache crying always gave her. She kept her hand in Jean’s, however.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she stated softly. Jean turned to her, but she kept her eyes on her lap. “Everyone keeps saying they’ll listen if I want to talk, but that’s just the thing. I don’t want to talk.”

Jean shrugged. “Then don’t,” he said. Mikasa turned to him with reddened eyes and he gave her a meek little smile. “We’re offering because we’re your friends. We care about you and we worry. The world we live in isn’t one where you can always rely on yourself.”

“I’m so used to relying on myself, though,” Mikasa whispered. “I know who I am and what I can do, and what I’m capable of. When I don’t know what other people are capable of, it’s hard to trust them.”

“You trust Eren and Armin,” Jean pointed out. Mikasa nodded. Of course she trusted them. Eren had saved her and Armin was her best friend, always there to listen. Admittedly, it took her longer to open up to Armin like she did for Eren, but she had all the same. And Armin stood by her and she stood by him. Jean suddenly glanced around. “Speaking of Eren, where is he, anyway?”

Mikasa shrugged. “The Corporal needed to see him.”

“Figures,” Jean scoffed. “Everyone here is so damn happy. I know they’re trying not to flaunt their relationships, but I mean, come on! They could at least have the courtesy to not pretend like no one knows!”

The raven hid her small smile behind her scarf. “You noticed, too?”

“It’s hard not to when you’re the only single one among your friends,” the male huffed. He suddenly sat up, looking absolutely horrified at Mikasa, waving is free hand frantically. “I mean, I know you’re single, too, so I’m not trying to imply anything! Being single’s not that bad, not that you’re not a beautiful girl. I mean, you’re gorgeous, and you have pretty hair, and I -” He cut himself off, jerking the hand still holding Mikasa’s and seemingly realized for the first time that they were, in fact, holding hands. “Ah, shit! Fuck, I’m… I’m sorry, I just… I don’t…”

Mikasa laughed. 

It started out as a soft giggle, her free hand coming up to cover her mouth in attempt to stop. Her shoulders shook as Jean dug himself a deeper grave until it was full-blown laughter. Her eyes squeezed shut and she felt her cheeks flush. She laughed until her sides ached, leaning against Jean and wrapping her arm around his, squeezing his hand in hers. She could feel Jean’s disbelieving eyes on her and Mikasa wondered when the last time she ever truly laughed was. Probably not since her parents died. 

She giggled into Jean’s shoulder, taking deep breaths to calm down. It felt good to laugh and cuddle against Jean, a sense of carelessness overcoming her. She hadn’t felt relaxed like this in a long time. 

“You have a beautiful laugh,” her companion murmured. Mikasa glanced up, cheeks still flushed and a downright happy smile on her lips. Jean stared down at her with wide eyes. Mikasa tilted her head. Was he getting closer?

Her question was answered when chapped lips pressed to hers. Mikasa’s eyes widened. Jean’s eyes were closed and he was kissing her. What the hell was she supposed to do? She was at a complete loss. Normally, the raven was so sure of everything, but this?

Jean pulled away with an embarrassed flush, turning away so Mikasa couldn’t see his face. She brought her hand to her lips. Warmth lingered where they had been pressed with the sandy haired youth’s, and she stared at him. He had said she had a beautiful laugh. No one had ever told her she was beautiful before. 

“You…You have really beautiful black hair…”

“Thanks.”

Jean had complimented her before. Many times. He went out of his way to say that her hair looked nice or that she smelled good. He’d fight with Eren for the privilege to sit next to her. He always told her how amazing she was in combat. Jean had even been worried about the scar on her cheek.

How had she missed that? Was she so starved for attention that she couldn’t tell when someone was flirting with her? Had Jean really liked her since their trainee days?

“Jean,” she said softly. Jean sighed, free hand clenched and eyes closed in self-disgust. Mikasa couldn’t help but smile at how he refused to look at her. It was kind of cute.

“I’m… I’m sorry,” he grumbled. “I know you don’t like me like that, and I shouldn’t have done it. It was stupid, and selfish, and I’m a prick, I know. If you leave, I wouldn’t blame -”

Mikasa cut him off with the only way that currently seemed logical to her. She softly pressed her lips to his, enjoying Jean’s wide-eyed stare as she watched with heavy eyes. The kiss was short and chaste, and once more, Jean’s warmth lingered on her lips when she pulled away. 

Jean blinked stupidly at her. 

“You know what,” he started slowly, “I’m not sorry. I’ve wanted to do that for years and I don’t really care if you hate me because I’m going to do it again.” Mikasa didn’t get a say as Jean kissed her again, this time just a bit harder. He gently cupped her cheek and held her close as he kissed her over and over again. His hand slid from her cheek to caress her ear, fingers eventually sliding to tangle in the soft strands of her black hair. A quiet moan escaped Mikasa as Jean tugged her hair, her own free hand finding his neck. Jean’s pulse beat rapidly under her hand where it rested over the pulse point and she could feel her own heart pounding. 

She had never felt like this before. Warmth seeped into her from the toes up and her chest felt like it would burst. Was this how her mom had felt kissing her dad? Had Carla felt this way when she kissed Grisha? What about all those couples in her circle of friends? Was this how they felt?

Mikasa felt happy. She felt true, honest to god happiness. It wasn’t love. She wasn’t so naïve as to think that she was in love with Jean, but if kissing him made her feel this way, then she wasn’t opposed to trying. She certainly felt that she could learn to love him.

When they finally pulled apart, Jean ran his hand through Mikasa’s hair. “I always thought your hair would be soft,” he muttered. “It’s softer than I imagined.”

A blush worked its way onto Mikasa’s cheeks and she ducked her head. “Thanks…”

“Hey, now.” Jean gently cupped her chin and pulled her head back up to look at him. He smiled softly. “Don’t hide away now when I just found you,” he whispered. “I’ve liked you for a really long time. Please, just give me a chance.”

Mikasa ducked out of his hold. She laid her cheek on his shoulder, carefully lacing their fingers together. “I’m not an open person,” she said. “I think you know this by now, so don’t expect me to suddenly tell you everything about me. And I wake up screaming in the middle of the night fairly regularly. If you’re willing to be patient,” she gave Jean a small smile, “I think we can make this work.”

“I’d like that a lot, Mikasa,” Jean mumbled, kissing her hair. Mikasa smiled, squeezing his hand in hers. She liked how her name rolled off his tongue. 

“I would, too, Jean…” She would really like that, honestly.

**Author's Note:**

> I was actually going to write more, but this seemed like a good stopping point.


End file.
